not_so_very

  It's been a hundren million years since I wote on this blog, so let me catch you up. I am now one year shy of graduating with my Masters Dgree in Social Work. I hope that I can be as helpful to others as peope where to me when I was at my lowest point. I also hope to not be that total slackass that told me, "It's not my job" when I really needed help. 
   I was thinking the other day how weird it is that i want to go into a "heping profession" when I have such a hard time asking for help myself. I am reminded of that movie 28 Days, with Sandra Bullock. As a theraputic tool (in rehab) she was made to wear a sign around her neck that said, "Confront me if I don't ask for help" I need one of those sighs!
  Anyway, I have a completly insane professor this semester, Ironic. I am doing my practicum at a mental health facility. My understanding of the word "crazy" has changed dramatically. I like being in with the lunitics because their unexpected behavior is expected. When a paranoid scizophrenic behaves oddly, it's easier to cope with. When a Lt Cl in th United States Army, who has a history in working in military corrections facilities, acts like a little girl, it's harder to know how to respond.
  I like school, but I am really looking forward to graduating and getting out of the oh-so-odd world of acidemia. Those poeple are not normal.

Soundtrack of me:
I set FIIIIIaaaaaarrrrrr to the rain.
Adele

I sat down today to have lunch with my mom, and not only did we have some laughs and some carrying on, we also had a really great talk. How does my mom know how to do that? That thing where she knows when to push me and encourage me to not give up yet, or when she knows to pat my hand and say, "Yes, that is tough but you have done a great job."? And, why do I lack faith in her sometimes? I know that she is never going to tell me that I am a disappointment to her, but I worry about letting her down. And she never rides my ass, but I worry that she is going to crack the whip. Well, none of that happened today. I just set all my emotional baggage and insecurities on the table, right there in the chinese restaurant, and she looked through it all with me and said, "This is hard, but you have done an amazing job of dealing with it. You should set this down now." And I feel better. Mom's rock. 

Soundtrack of me

You Shook Me All Night Long -  AC/DC

When I was a kid my mother and I drove by the same house everyday. I think that this may, still, be the smallest house I have ever seen. I remember it to be about 12 ft by about 10 feet in size, smaller than my bedroom is now. And, with some regularity we would see the inhabitants of the house; a mother, father and three children about my age (7 to 10ish). The children regularly played on the front lawn and the mother and father would linger in, or near, the front door. And then one day they were gone. The windows were boarded up. I remember being terribly concerned for this little family, who seemed to have so little. Could they have lost their house and were they now homeless? My mother, sensing my anguish for this family suggested that "Maybe they won the lottery and have moved into a wonderful house" but, it didn't relieve my concern. That small house was torn down not to long after that, and all evidence of their existence was destroyed. I always think of that family and say a prayer for them. My heart hurts for those three children, and what their lives may be like now, and what they may have had to overcome.

 Soundtrack of me

 Silent Night

Once when I was a kid, my step father told me that a woman should be self sufficient. I'm not sure why but I remember being really angry with him when he said it. Unfortunately, that little nugget of gooey goodness has burrowed into my brain and set up shop. And now, I can't ask for help. Even when I need it, I just can't. And I hate, hate, hate when I get myself into a situation and then have to call to be rescued almost as much as I hate calling for help in the first place. This personality defect has placed me in some pretty interesting positions. (Once, I had shoulder surgery and a few days later I put on a bra and then had to call a friend to come help me get out of it. Let's never discuss this again, k?) 

So, I do a lot of work on and around my own house (except electrical. I have to draw the line somewhere, and death by electrocution is where I choose to draw the line). Recently, my garbage disposal died. (Well, not died. It coughed a few times and then lost consciousness in a profound way.) And I fixed it. And that's really awesome and self sufficient and damn that stupid David for saying women should be self sufficient. Not because we shouldn't be, because we should, but because that makes relationships so hard. 

The hard part about being a self sufficient woman in a relationship is that either the man gets in my way when I'm trying to fix it, and that makes me feel like he thinks I can't do it, or he gives me space to do it and I turn into a pissy bitch because he won't get off his lazy ass. And I can't figure out how to justify either one of these. I have no advice for my male friends on this one. 

Soundtrack of me
I Want you to - Weezer

I got pregnant at 17. I spent a lot of time deciding if I wanted to keep my child or put her up for adoption. I came to understand that I was made to be a parent, and that the idea of living without her sucked the air from my lungs and made me feel as though I might collapse into myself. I wanted that first step, first word, first day of school, the skinned knees, the tears and the laughter, prom, graduation, and everything else in between and what follows. I wanted that child and I completely changed my life to revolve around her. I ate healthy and took my prenatal vitamins, got good nights of sleep, quit smoking pot and cigarettes, cut out all the Dr. Pepper, cut ties with my less savory friends, and anything else I could think of to get her onto this planet as healthy as possible. I knew what I was giving up, and I did it gladly. 

The one thing I neglected to consider in all this planning and rearranging was that I will not be 18 when my daughter graduates. In fact, I completely failed to understand that I would ever age past 18. This understanding still saddens me, but not as profoundly as it did when I was in my late 20’s glaring at my 30^th birthday. I really fought and clawed to hang on to my 20’s, but no amount of kicking and screaming could stop time. But, I did try.

My 35^th birthday is in just a few months, and I am struggling to understand how I feel about it. Birthdays are good. Just ask my children. (Lumpy’s half birthday is in 27 days.)  And in reality, a lack of birthdays doth truly suck.

 But, I still just hate them.

 Soundtrack of me

A Change Gonna Come – this has been sung by everyone, but I really like the Gavin Degraw version.

I really don't love being unemployed. However, it does sorta rock. I mean, I don't like the feeling of being unmoared, of not having a desk or a place of my own, and not feeling like I need to be somewhere. In fact, I feel mostly useless. On the flip side, I am not the only person unemployed right now. In fact, there are a lot of us. And we're networking. We tell each other about job ads we saw in each others field, cheer for each other when interviews are scheduled, and commiserate when the job went to someone else. But, we also pass recipes, go for walks, play tennis, and power walk around Target. My girlfriends and I have become "Ladies who lunch". Of course lunch is a brown bag in the park, and we're wearing elastic waisted pants (Mostly of the yoga variety). But, it's good to not be alone in these times. To have friends in the same boat. I think of days past when moms stayed home and dads worked. I would not like to have lived in those time when we were forbidden to work, but I imagine they found some wonderful ways to spend their time. 

The kids get out of school in a few short weeks and then my life will change speeds. We plan to go to Mt. Rushmore, an aquarium in Tulsa, Arkansas, camping, fishing, and any other inexpensive thing I can think of to spend time. All the while I will of course be job hunting, but I can't let myself slip into the depression that will bring. The right job is out there. I will find it eventually. 

soundtrack of me
Hey Soul Sister - Train

It was one of those days where even the simplest things (pouring coffee) set of a string of events that had to be dealt with or managed. At one point today I felt like my son was out to get me. And then he said something of the wall, and when I laughed he replied "I'm just spitballin' here". He's 9. He has curly hair that makes me think of Leif Garret singing about being made for dancing, and a gigantic grin under the smallest nose I've ever seen. And, he makes me happy. Except when he leaves his bike in the driveway for me to run over while backing out of the garage.

My daughter is equally sinister, and adorable (Are they twins?? No.) but in a more cannon in your face sorta way. She will "Little Lawyer" you to death. I sometimes have to tell her, "I'm done talking about this now". Then she crosses her little 7 year old arms across her chest and she pouts. And she turns her chair away from me at her brothers soccer practice. Then slowly she starts to turn around, and scootch closer to me, and finally crawl in my lap and give me a hug. And, then she wants to make her point one more time.

And, then we sing and car dance on the way home and have dinner conversation like, "There's no reason to exaggerate. The reality is bad enough". Oh well. There's always tomorrow. 

Soundtrack of me

Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution - AC/DC

Hi, everyone! I have missed you over the last few years. So sorry about that. I am back now and I wish I could say that lots has been going on. But, not so much. Here are the highlights. The job was fine, until it sucked. I sorta' lost interest when my bosses ineptness made a 17 year old boy brain damaged. Basically after that I began to question, and you just can't question in a government job. They really frown on people thinking above their pay grade. Which was fine when I was antidepressant'd out of my mind, but once I came off the meds, it became a problem.

My ex husband finally went to trial and was found guilty and sentenced to 28 years in prison. This is really great news, except now the kids don't have a dad, and I don't get child support.

Dating sucks. I've decided that there are no men my age on the planet. I know that there really are, but they all live with their wives, or mothers.

So, I'm unemployed and unattached. But, I am hopeful and enjoying my life. The kids are doing very well, and life is good. All will be well.

Sountrack of me

Flight of the Conchords

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FArZxLj6DLk

Soundtrack of me

I recently had a chance to rent Sweeney Todd (finally) and totally loved it. Here's one of my favies. Have A Little Priest.


 LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good?
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD:
Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!

LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.
TODD:
If it's for a price.
LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
TODD:
Anything that's lean.
LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
TODD:
Is that squire,
On the fire?
LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
TODD:
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!
LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!

TODD:
The history of the world, my love --
LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
TODD:
Is those below serving those up above!
LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below!

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.
TODD: Something... pinker.
LOVETT: Tailor?
TODD: Paler.
LOVETT: Butler?
TODD: Subtler.
LOVETT: Potter?
TODD: Hotter.
LOVETT: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark.
LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
LOVETT:
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
TODD:
Have you any Beadle?
LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!
TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!
LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?
TODD: It's piping hot!
LOVETT: Then blow on it first!

TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --
LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!
TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear
BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.

TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
LOVETT:
Try the friar,
Fried, it's drier!
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
LOVETT:
Then actor,
That's compacter!
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.
TODD: What's that?
LOVETT: Executioner!

TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get!
LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love!
TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,
BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!

Okay, a few details...

I work for the City of Nunya in the Development Services department. (At the law firm I worked on the developers side of land use, and now I do the same stuff but on the city side.) I really, really like it so far. The mornings have been okay, (No depression issues) but at the end of the day I am EXHAUSTED!! I just want to lay down and sleep. However, I am happy to report that so far it's just exhaustion. I can push through it and get dinner and baths for the kids. So, I feel pretty good. Clothes are an issue; I have really packed on the pounds. However, it's business casual so I am faking it with some super cute shoes. (I highly recommend super cute shoes. Ladies, feeling not so pretty? Put on your super cute shoes and strut around the house wearing nothing else. It's good for the soul.) 

I am a Administrative Assistant III (a glorified secretary) but the pay is the same as I was making at the firm, with about 1/4th of the commute. It's very interesting and super fast paced, but not very challenging which is perfect for me right now. I found out there has been a hiring freeze for the city for the last 10 months. It was lifted solely for the purpose of filing this position (Yes, I do feel special.) and it is back on until no one knows when. The only difficulty so far is the internal computer system which I am figuring out pretty quickly. 

I love the people and they have been really great to me. As you can imagine, they were pretty desperate to fill this job, and they are *really happy to see me and let me take over all the extra stuff they have been doing. There don't seem to be any major personality disputes, and yet plenty of gossip, so I am super happy.

Everyone keep your fingers crossed that this works out for us, we really need it!!